as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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