new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
