I hope mine doesn't look like that
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
