So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she told me i tasted like america
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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