i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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