I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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