hotel room ftw
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
