Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
