I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
