Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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