LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
