thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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