i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
