i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We need to get me chipped asap
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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