Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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