Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
