My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
