guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
