Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
