Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
