You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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