I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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