my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Duck Duck Cougar?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
