my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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