She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
