I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
