my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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