R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he was CRYING into my vagina
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
