my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
