I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
