but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
