the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
