I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
