The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
