I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
