i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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