I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
