well I can't set my house on fire every night
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
PANTIES FOUND
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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