I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
