hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
