Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
