I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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