Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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