I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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