first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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