If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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