Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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