I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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