Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
