He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
