Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
