You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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