I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
