So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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