My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
