Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
