Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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