if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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