i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
