I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
