I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
