I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
